What is Marriage?

July 3, 2009 at 2:20 am (Uncategorized)

You know, many times we have broached the subject of marriage, what it is, and how hard it is.  And today, something strikes me as terribly important.  I think…I’m not sure, but I think that 99% of us go into marriage without having a clue as to what it really is or means.  I’m trying to say that we just have no clue what’s in store for us.  Hollywood has done a great job of painting a fantasy world for us to live in:  And they lived happily ever after.  But, is there a happily ever after?  Can it exhist? 

I have to ask myself this:  As a very young 20 year old with only 1 year of college behind her and 8 months with the man she was marrying, could I have even known what I was doing?  I have to be honest.  No.  I had no clue.  There are several moments from that day that stick in my mind the most:  1.  when I was told he had made it to the church and 2.  having my mom tell me it was ok to leave if I wanted to. 

Woah.  Yeah.  That’s right.  She said that.  As she was fixing my veil.  3 minutes before magic time.  She made sure I understood that I DID NOT have to follow through.  And I remember feeling so sure of myself.  This was it.  He was the one. 

Do I still believe that?  You bet I do.  I don’t picture myself with anyone else, doing anything else, living any other life.  I love what we have built together.  But boy, I had no clue how hard it would be.  How much emotional work and turmoil there could be.  I sit here 10 years later (almost) and marvel at the fact that we are both still alive.  HA! 

But….because of all that, because we stood the test of time (so far) and worked so hard to make things right between us, I feel that I am a changed person.  I am in no way close to that girl that I was.  He changed me….and, I hope, I changed him….for the better. 

When I wake up next to him in the morning, I feel peace.  I can smile.  I feel no animosity, no anger, no resentment (most of the time) and I know that I could not have done better for myself.  I stood in that church going through my options, and I made the best one.  I just knew.  And I still do.

But many people don’t.  It’s all a whim, a fantasy.  And so many times, they end up hurt.  And it breaks my heart to see. 

Why am I writing this?  Does it even make sense?  Right now, maybe not.  But I just feel the need to get it off my chest.  Somehow, someway, get myself to remember and see the good in things.  Not just the hard, not just the bad, but the good.  Look past the struggle and into what is right.  I love that man, God I do, but it’s more than that.  It’s knowing that he’s my partner, through good and bad.  No matter what. 

Forget the newlywed struggle.  Forget the infertility.  Forget the money.  Forget having 5 kids in 3 years.  Forget the fights, arguments, disagreements.  Forget the mistakes. 

What is marriage?  Can it even be defined?  Gosh, I don’t know.  But, for me, it’s not just a ring on my finger and a kiss every night.  It’s a decision I made long ago, and I’m so glad I did.

Advertisements

Permalink 1 Comment

Feeling Blue…

June 29, 2009 at 10:02 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m feeling very blue….

Not pink….

Not green….

Blue.

It’s a boy.  A beautiful, darling, bouncing, sweet boy!  And I can’t wait to meet him.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Mama Taught Me Well

May 14, 2009 at 7:45 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m a teacher.  I always dreamed of teaching, ever since second grade. My teacher at the time, Mrs Keith, inspired me.  So a teacher I became. 

You know, as a teacher, I’ve always been respectful of my kids’ teachers and worked very closely with them.  We’ve had a few issues, but they were always worked out and things ran so smoothly.  That is, until today. 

As a child, I watched my mom fight for me.  On several occasions, things were very bad and that woman took her claws out and made sure I was protected.  And I saw it.  I mean, I wasn’t in the room, but I knew.  I knew Mom would take care of me.  But I never thought I would have to be that mom.  The angry yelling mom that no one wants to see or deal with.  I’m a teacher.  I know better, I know how to work the system to get my way…

Yeah.  Until the system messed with my kid.  Until I had a principal lie to me about state laws.  Until I had a teacher treat me like crap in a meeting.  And then, the animal instinct came out and Mom became angry. 

See, I love my job.  I love my students and am always willing to help them.  I mean, duh, that’s my job right?  So when I see a child who is not getting help, I try to help them even though I’m not their teacher.  I’ve fought for students whom I had never even met…So when a teacher refuses to help my child, not only do I see the injustice of it all, I get angry. 

Mama taught me well.  And today, I got ugly.  Medusa would have been frightened.  I’m appalled at how I acted.  It was as though I was watching from somewhere outside my own body as instinct took over.  And all my poor man could do is sit there and quietly watch the action.  He was hulking up…had to stay quiet in order to keep himself in control.  So he just sat by in shock as I got snarky, sarcastic, and put that woman in her place. 

I don’t think people sometimes even try to understand the nature of MOM.  I think sometimes they see an “adoptive” parent (oh please) and think they won’t be as protective as a natural mother.  Oops.  Um, yeah, you got that wrong honey.  And they sure did find that out today. 

So I hope the universe and the Lord can forgive the mom in me for being so bad today.  I’ll be good now.  I’m putting my claws away.

Permalink Leave a Comment

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

May 6, 2009 at 7:26 pm (Uncategorized)

You know how they say red heads tend to be feiry and hard to deal with?  You know, a bit hard headed?  Well, in my case, they are very right.  All my life I’ve been the type of person that will crap in your face if you say I can’t or shouldn’t do something.  “Oh really?”  I say “Watch this.”  And I do it anyways.  And for the most part, it has worked really well for me.  How do you think I adopted three kids all at once? 

So what’s the point, you say?  Well, I’ve been out of work for three weeks now.  I had to stop when the hyperemesis took over.  I was losing like 1/2 a pound a day and was needing IV treatment at least 2-3 times a week at the hospital.  I’ve been trying so hard to get back to work to be with my students for the last few weeks of school, but it seems the world doesn’t want me there.

I’ve had a bit of a relapse this week, but hopefully am getting over it.  So I started talking about going back.  So why is it the whole darn world doesn’t want me too?  Not my boss, my supervisor, me fellow teachers, my husband.  They all say to just start getting disability.  Why the hell can’t I just go back?

So here comes my darn hard, feiry red headed self saying, “I can do whatever the heck I want.  If I want to work, I will freakin work.”  And now I find myself with a bit of an issue.  My hard head tells me to get my a$$ back to work and make some money.  Get over it, suffer through, and do your best.  B-U-T is that the right thing for me?  Should I spit in everyone’s faces and say screw you I’ll do what I want?  Which road should I take?  The road less traveled is that of hard work and screw everything else.  But is this one of those times when the easy road is best? 

I sometimes feel like Jekyl and Hyde.  Two sides of the whole fighting for domination.  So not cool.  Why can’t people just say, “Do what you feel is right” and let me decide?  Noooooo.  They have to tell me what I “should” do and fire me up.  Great.

Permalink Leave a Comment

My New World

May 3, 2009 at 3:05 pm (Uncategorized)

Hello world.  I’ve blogged before, but over the past year have found myself getting and feeling less and less attached to my last blog.  That blog worked for a specific time and place, but no longer does.  It’s time for me to move past the infertility and adoption and start over.  I am now mommy, I am now (apparently) more fertile, and I am ready to begin anew.  The big question for my writing is going to be this:  Who am I? 

Well, for now, I am a (sometime) military wife to a National Guardsman who is finishing school in order to get his commission as an officer.  We have four wonderful children, some of whom WERE adopted (I’m sure we’ll get to my opinon on that at some point,) Dee, J-man, S, and L.  I am also expecting our fifth and final child.  The Man will be, eh hem, fixed, sometime this year. 

As of now, my life consists of me resting a lot and suffering with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, a serious pregnancy complication that keeps me nauseated and vomiting constantly.  I am not working right now (I am a 7th and 8th grade GT teacher) as I am too ill, but hope to get back to work very soon, or at least before summer starts.  I am also nesting (as much as I can) in order to prepare for the arrival of The Monster (or loving nickname for the new baby.)

My thought for the day to end this bit of introduction:

I was watching a show called Max and Ruby on Noggin with the kids this morning.  It’s a silly cartoon and the main characters are two bunny children.  One is apparently  a toddler, the other I think is supposed to be six or so.  Welp, in one of the mini episodes, the two small children board a city bus by themselves to go shopping for overalls for Max.  S looks at me and says, “How come they don’t have a mommy?” 

Woah.  My five year old knows there is something wrong with going shopping alone without a grown up.  Well, so far so good with her I guess.  But man, the very idea that a “learning channel” would have that in a show is kinda shocking.  Two small kids can leave the house and run around the town alone…Ew. 

But I will continue to hold the same opinion I’ve always had.  TV is not the devil.  Our children know what we teach them.  My five year old understood that what she saw wasn’t quite right and told me.  I think that means that as along as we teach our children and ensure that they are not exposed to too much of the grossness, they’ll be fine. 

It’s all about communication.tv

Permalink Leave a Comment