Turbulance

May 10, 2009 at 10:00 am (Pregnancy)

This may take a while.  Bear with me.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) is an evil thing.  It has a way of sucking all the happiness out of you.  You live this horrible existence in which you can’t move, eat, drink, think, or function as a normal human being.  If you move, you throw up.  If you think about moving, you throw up.  You sleep, then throw up.  You eat and, you guessed it, it’s gone.  Then eventually you end up on all these medications, and at some point, your mind is no longer your own. You’re so drugged up you can barely even breathe and you are so tired and depressed you don’t want to.  See HG is not just morning sickness.  It becomes a way of life.  It’s living with food poisoning for weeks/months on end.  You always feel horrible.  You always are so nauseated you can’t deal with it.  You’re sweaty, angry, and miserable.  You begin to feel things that are not real, almost like hallucinating.  You wonder, how bad would it be if I miscarried?  In your heart you know how devastated you would be.  This is your baby.  But in your head, you just want to feel better.  Anything to feel better….It’s a sick and twisted road.  And it’s dangerous.  Seriously.  This thing kills.  Women give up and die.  Babies die… 

It’s been two months for me.  Doc says expect another month until recovery.   Great.

But here’s the thing.  See I’ve discovered over the  years that emotion is so very fleating.  Pain even.  It goes away.  It leaves eventually.  The fear subsides.  Even happiness has it’s own place.  I’ve been living with anger for a while now.  Anger that I have to live this way.  I”m angry that I can’t be normal and take vitamins and go to work.  I’m depressed.  I hate the way I’m living.  I hate the way my husband and children are living.  It really sucks.  But those are just emotions.  I discovered something the other night. 

Joy.

I firmly believe that Joy is beyond emotion.  It’s almost a place in your heart that you can go to.  Almost physical.  It’s spiritual.  It’s knowing that, no matter what, I’m gonna be ok.  I’m a firm believer in God and there being a plan for me.  I believe that He’s here with me loving me through this.  I had just missed him somewhere along the way. 

I realized this two nights ago.  As I lay next to my Man (for the first time in a month, I still can’t sleep in my own bed,) he did something that startled my soul back to life.  He wrapped is arm around me, kissed my shoulder and said, “I love you.”  Ok ok ok, that’s normal nothing new.  BUT then he moved his hand to my expanding belly, rubbed it and said, “I love you too Monster.”  And proceeded to continue holding said belly as though his life depended on it.  And something inside me stirred.

It was like he was feeding me.  Like he was sending some of his Joy into me.  He wasn’t just absent mindedly holding me, he was LOVING our baby.  It had nothing to do with me.  There was so much intensity to the way he was holding me/us.  And inside me, the universe moved.  The world changed. And I realized how very much I too love our baby. 

I began to have nightmares that night that horrible things were wrong, that I lost the baby.  And I know it stems from that place of fear that lives with any parent.  And finally, finally, I’m feeling as though my normal self is awakening.  I do still exist somewhere in the HG infected body and mind. 

I can look at my children and FEEL them in the room again.  It’s not just knowing that their presence exists.  It’s feeling their souls, their emotions, their lives sitting before me.  I’m starting to interact with them again, loving them, kissing them, wanting to be with them.  Knowing what a miracle they each are to me; how special they are. 

And finally, for the first time in a long time, I feel God looking down on me; watching me, loving me, working through me. 

I can do this.  And I know, in just a short time, my Monster will be cuddled in our arms and the world will tilt on it’s axis.  Heaven will meet earth (as a friend of mine says) and HG will be beaten.

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