Mama Taught Me Well

May 14, 2009 at 7:45 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m a teacher.  I always dreamed of teaching, ever since second grade. My teacher at the time, Mrs Keith, inspired me.  So a teacher I became. 

You know, as a teacher, I’ve always been respectful of my kids’ teachers and worked very closely with them.  We’ve had a few issues, but they were always worked out and things ran so smoothly.  That is, until today. 

As a child, I watched my mom fight for me.  On several occasions, things were very bad and that woman took her claws out and made sure I was protected.  And I saw it.  I mean, I wasn’t in the room, but I knew.  I knew Mom would take care of me.  But I never thought I would have to be that mom.  The angry yelling mom that no one wants to see or deal with.  I’m a teacher.  I know better, I know how to work the system to get my way…

Yeah.  Until the system messed with my kid.  Until I had a principal lie to me about state laws.  Until I had a teacher treat me like crap in a meeting.  And then, the animal instinct came out and Mom became angry. 

See, I love my job.  I love my students and am always willing to help them.  I mean, duh, that’s my job right?  So when I see a child who is not getting help, I try to help them even though I’m not their teacher.  I’ve fought for students whom I had never even met…So when a teacher refuses to help my child, not only do I see the injustice of it all, I get angry. 

Mama taught me well.  And today, I got ugly.  Medusa would have been frightened.  I’m appalled at how I acted.  It was as though I was watching from somewhere outside my own body as instinct took over.  And all my poor man could do is sit there and quietly watch the action.  He was hulking up…had to stay quiet in order to keep himself in control.  So he just sat by in shock as I got snarky, sarcastic, and put that woman in her place. 

I don’t think people sometimes even try to understand the nature of MOM.  I think sometimes they see an “adoptive” parent (oh please) and think they won’t be as protective as a natural mother.  Oops.  Um, yeah, you got that wrong honey.  And they sure did find that out today. 

So I hope the universe and the Lord can forgive the mom in me for being so bad today.  I’ll be good now.  I’m putting my claws away.

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Turbulance

May 10, 2009 at 10:00 am (Pregnancy)

This may take a while.  Bear with me.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) is an evil thing.  It has a way of sucking all the happiness out of you.  You live this horrible existence in which you can’t move, eat, drink, think, or function as a normal human being.  If you move, you throw up.  If you think about moving, you throw up.  You sleep, then throw up.  You eat and, you guessed it, it’s gone.  Then eventually you end up on all these medications, and at some point, your mind is no longer your own. You’re so drugged up you can barely even breathe and you are so tired and depressed you don’t want to.  See HG is not just morning sickness.  It becomes a way of life.  It’s living with food poisoning for weeks/months on end.  You always feel horrible.  You always are so nauseated you can’t deal with it.  You’re sweaty, angry, and miserable.  You begin to feel things that are not real, almost like hallucinating.  You wonder, how bad would it be if I miscarried?  In your heart you know how devastated you would be.  This is your baby.  But in your head, you just want to feel better.  Anything to feel better….It’s a sick and twisted road.  And it’s dangerous.  Seriously.  This thing kills.  Women give up and die.  Babies die… 

It’s been two months for me.  Doc says expect another month until recovery.   Great.

But here’s the thing.  See I’ve discovered over the  years that emotion is so very fleating.  Pain even.  It goes away.  It leaves eventually.  The fear subsides.  Even happiness has it’s own place.  I’ve been living with anger for a while now.  Anger that I have to live this way.  I”m angry that I can’t be normal and take vitamins and go to work.  I’m depressed.  I hate the way I’m living.  I hate the way my husband and children are living.  It really sucks.  But those are just emotions.  I discovered something the other night. 

Joy.

I firmly believe that Joy is beyond emotion.  It’s almost a place in your heart that you can go to.  Almost physical.  It’s spiritual.  It’s knowing that, no matter what, I’m gonna be ok.  I’m a firm believer in God and there being a plan for me.  I believe that He’s here with me loving me through this.  I had just missed him somewhere along the way. 

I realized this two nights ago.  As I lay next to my Man (for the first time in a month, I still can’t sleep in my own bed,) he did something that startled my soul back to life.  He wrapped is arm around me, kissed my shoulder and said, “I love you.”  Ok ok ok, that’s normal nothing new.  BUT then he moved his hand to my expanding belly, rubbed it and said, “I love you too Monster.”  And proceeded to continue holding said belly as though his life depended on it.  And something inside me stirred.

It was like he was feeding me.  Like he was sending some of his Joy into me.  He wasn’t just absent mindedly holding me, he was LOVING our baby.  It had nothing to do with me.  There was so much intensity to the way he was holding me/us.  And inside me, the universe moved.  The world changed. And I realized how very much I too love our baby. 

I began to have nightmares that night that horrible things were wrong, that I lost the baby.  And I know it stems from that place of fear that lives with any parent.  And finally, finally, I’m feeling as though my normal self is awakening.  I do still exist somewhere in the HG infected body and mind. 

I can look at my children and FEEL them in the room again.  It’s not just knowing that their presence exists.  It’s feeling their souls, their emotions, their lives sitting before me.  I’m starting to interact with them again, loving them, kissing them, wanting to be with them.  Knowing what a miracle they each are to me; how special they are. 

And finally, for the first time in a long time, I feel God looking down on me; watching me, loving me, working through me. 

I can do this.  And I know, in just a short time, my Monster will be cuddled in our arms and the world will tilt on it’s axis.  Heaven will meet earth (as a friend of mine says) and HG will be beaten.

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You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

May 6, 2009 at 7:26 pm (Uncategorized)

You know how they say red heads tend to be feiry and hard to deal with?  You know, a bit hard headed?  Well, in my case, they are very right.  All my life I’ve been the type of person that will crap in your face if you say I can’t or shouldn’t do something.  “Oh really?”  I say “Watch this.”  And I do it anyways.  And for the most part, it has worked really well for me.  How do you think I adopted three kids all at once? 

So what’s the point, you say?  Well, I’ve been out of work for three weeks now.  I had to stop when the hyperemesis took over.  I was losing like 1/2 a pound a day and was needing IV treatment at least 2-3 times a week at the hospital.  I’ve been trying so hard to get back to work to be with my students for the last few weeks of school, but it seems the world doesn’t want me there.

I’ve had a bit of a relapse this week, but hopefully am getting over it.  So I started talking about going back.  So why is it the whole darn world doesn’t want me too?  Not my boss, my supervisor, me fellow teachers, my husband.  They all say to just start getting disability.  Why the hell can’t I just go back?

So here comes my darn hard, feiry red headed self saying, “I can do whatever the heck I want.  If I want to work, I will freakin work.”  And now I find myself with a bit of an issue.  My hard head tells me to get my a$$ back to work and make some money.  Get over it, suffer through, and do your best.  B-U-T is that the right thing for me?  Should I spit in everyone’s faces and say screw you I’ll do what I want?  Which road should I take?  The road less traveled is that of hard work and screw everything else.  But is this one of those times when the easy road is best? 

I sometimes feel like Jekyl and Hyde.  Two sides of the whole fighting for domination.  So not cool.  Why can’t people just say, “Do what you feel is right” and let me decide?  Noooooo.  They have to tell me what I “should” do and fire me up.  Great.

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Painting, Vomit, and Diapers

May 4, 2009 at 6:00 pm (Kids n stuff)

So today L and I decided to try our hand at Crayola paints.  I got the washable kind considering the nature of two year old beasts, and am quite glad I did.  L had a blast.  He mixed, matched and put lots of colors together.  I think his favorite of the day was purple.  Of course!  The color of royals!  We have 4 gorgeous canvases that I’m sure will sell big at auction (translation:  L covered 4 peices of paper is paint that will stick on my fridge for months.) 

Also in the world of the exciting, I should get my first fluff mail someday soon.  I ordered my very first cloth diaper!  It’s a sew it yourself all in one (AKA AIO) kit, so I didn’t pay an arm and a leg for it.  I can’t wait to get it!  I’m quite excited about the idea of cloth diapering Monster.  Some of the fam is a bit…leary… about it, but I’m stoked.  I’ve already decided where I’m ordering the rest from, not to mention have a friend of mine who’s gonna lend me some of her fluff stash for Monster when we are still new.  Buying smalls and newborn sizes are almost a waste of money since they grow out of them so fast.  It’s the mediums that really last. 

Speaking of Monster…the evil child is killing me.  Seriously.  I don’t know how much longer I can handle being this darn nauseated. Poor L.  I spent most of the time he was painting trying not to vomit all over his masterpeices (which ironically enough, would have matched said vomit.)  This sickness really blows.  Seriously.  I’m not understanding why it is that most women don’t even feel anything at all besides a bit of queasiness and yet I have to be seriously and deathly ill from conception on.  What is that all about?  Come on!  But I digress.  Throwing up is, according to my doctors, a sign that all is well with the baby.  Monster may kill ME, but at least he/she is doing great!  (did you hear the sarcasm?  sorry bout that.  I love my babies, but this makes one a bit bitter to say the least.)  I know that soon enough I’ll be feeling better.  It’s just that soon can’t come fast enough for me.

The young Monet at work

The young Monet at work

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My New World

May 3, 2009 at 3:05 pm (Uncategorized)

Hello world.  I’ve blogged before, but over the past year have found myself getting and feeling less and less attached to my last blog.  That blog worked for a specific time and place, but no longer does.  It’s time for me to move past the infertility and adoption and start over.  I am now mommy, I am now (apparently) more fertile, and I am ready to begin anew.  The big question for my writing is going to be this:  Who am I? 

Well, for now, I am a (sometime) military wife to a National Guardsman who is finishing school in order to get his commission as an officer.  We have four wonderful children, some of whom WERE adopted (I’m sure we’ll get to my opinon on that at some point,) Dee, J-man, S, and L.  I am also expecting our fifth and final child.  The Man will be, eh hem, fixed, sometime this year. 

As of now, my life consists of me resting a lot and suffering with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, a serious pregnancy complication that keeps me nauseated and vomiting constantly.  I am not working right now (I am a 7th and 8th grade GT teacher) as I am too ill, but hope to get back to work very soon, or at least before summer starts.  I am also nesting (as much as I can) in order to prepare for the arrival of The Monster (or loving nickname for the new baby.)

My thought for the day to end this bit of introduction:

I was watching a show called Max and Ruby on Noggin with the kids this morning.  It’s a silly cartoon and the main characters are two bunny children.  One is apparently  a toddler, the other I think is supposed to be six or so.  Welp, in one of the mini episodes, the two small children board a city bus by themselves to go shopping for overalls for Max.  S looks at me and says, “How come they don’t have a mommy?” 

Woah.  My five year old knows there is something wrong with going shopping alone without a grown up.  Well, so far so good with her I guess.  But man, the very idea that a “learning channel” would have that in a show is kinda shocking.  Two small kids can leave the house and run around the town alone…Ew. 

But I will continue to hold the same opinion I’ve always had.  TV is not the devil.  Our children know what we teach them.  My five year old understood that what she saw wasn’t quite right and told me.  I think that means that as along as we teach our children and ensure that they are not exposed to too much of the grossness, they’ll be fine. 

It’s all about communication.tv

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